Slow and Steady

First off, Happy Leap Day to you all! I just love that there's a day that only comes around every four years. How neat is that?

I wish I could say that I celebrated this special day, but it was actually a bit lousy. My sleep was very poor last night and I awoke to a phone call from HR telling me that my "return to work" form had too many restrictions and that I cannot return to work on Monday. So, needless to say, I've spent much of this day on the phone with HR and with my doctor's office. As of right now, a new set of forms sit and wait for my family doctor. He may be able to change some of the restrictions, but I'm not sure he'll be able to change all of them. There is something to be said for this long, slow recovery... there are some things I just cannot do.

One of the cards I've received. Slow and steady...

The toughest thing for me will be the months to come. I know this already. And while I do not wear a bandage like the turtle in this picture, it's going to be even harder because my pain and injury are not visible from the outside. I've never had an injury like this before.

And for the past two weeks I have been quietly and passively blaming myself for my condition. If I had just handled my stress better, or if I had just stood up for myself during a peak of stressful time, or if I had just exercised more, or if I had just let certain things go, then perhaps this wouldn't have happened to me. While I've said over and over that hindsight is hindsight, I haven't really let myself hand over this burden. I've kept it within and it was really wearing on me.

We can reach for explanations, but they can only go so far. We can research and plan and organize and consult, but at some point we have to realize that there are some things we cannot control. Because, believe me, I've done each of those things.

Wisdom came to me from our neighbor and friend on the Clarion River. She said, "I am sending my prayers for you and ask that you forgive yourself and your body for creating this mess...  Take care of yourself, be your own best friend, and when you forget to do this, forgive yourself and begin again!!!"

These words came almost as a blanket to comfort me and tuck me in during one of my lowest moments. It's okay to forgive myself and allow myself to forget, and then be reminded again. It's really alright. And in my response to her, I said that I will need to read these words many times over the next 6 months. Those 6 months have now been extended to 9 months, but with the likelihood of a full recovery.

And while I'm an introvert, I also just love being around people (Right, Krumichs?). Just when I started missing interactions with people, I got a card from Jim's parents saying, 'If there's one thing you can be sure of, it's this: whatever comes, you won't be alone. You'll have thoughts and prayers surrounding and protecting you every step of the way. So just picture yourself right there in the middle of a big circle of caring... because that's where you are. And there's no safer place to be.'

Between the doctors, my family, coworkers, and friends, I really do feel surrounded by warmth, peace, and friendship. The number of people reading my meager blog is amazing to me. Thanks for being with me every step of the way.

Last night was actually my worst night of sleep yet. My headache feels a bit lighter and my neck continues to ache. But the good news from the past two days still has my heart leaping for joy! Get it? LEAP-ing? Leap day... leaping... :)

Next Up:

- When will I return to work?

- Lab Work, Monday 3/5 @ 3:45

- GP Appt., Friday 3/9 @ 4

Thank you to Susan for dinner and dessert tonight!