Inside-Outside

Gosh. 

The time warp of being a parent is so totally mysterious. How have we already hit Owen's Inside-Outside Day!?!? Owen was born on February 10th, at 39 weeks, 3 days of time spent in the womb. On Saturday, he hit the same amount of time in our arms. 

I didn't get many pictures of his pregnancy, other than everyday life photos. So it is really special to have these from my friend, Holly Deng, at Deng Good Life Photography. She took our Christmas photos and took a couple maternity shots for me, too. I will cherish them forever.

As I look through and reminisce, I can't help but be astounded by the ability of my body to create such an incredible little life as Owen David. To not only grow a baby, but birth that baby into the world, and then sustain and nourish that baby for the first year (plus) of his life. That's remarkable.

 This was taken not long before he was born!

 Here we are right after we arrived at the hospital and then right after Owen was born.

I promised myself that I would give my body more grace as it adapted and recovered from birth, but I haven't done as great a job of it as I would have liked. I felt so empowered by Owen's birth and I continue to feel that way.

One of my friends stated that our bodies should be forever changed because we are forever changed after having a baby. And she's SO spot on. Ian & Owen have each entered the world and forever changed it, just as they have changed me.

 Being a mama is the most exhausting, rewarding, painful, awe-inspiring, lovely adventure I have ever been a part of. This is one of those events that could get overlooked, but I want to celebrate!!!

 I'm starting to recognize myself again. But Owen's known me as one and the same the entire time. So has Ian. And so has Jim. I'm grateful for this pack of boys I get to call my family.

Happy Inside-Outside Day, to Owen & Me!! <3

Owen's Birth Story

What ended up being my last check-up! ;)

If you would rather hear the birth story in person, then I would rather tell it to you. It may sound silly, but I love hearing and sharing birth stories. So, STOP reading if you'd like to share it over tea, skype, or the phone ;)

On Tuesday, February 9th, at 10 AM Ian and I went for my 39 week check-up. It's common for the mama to choose to be checked for dilation and effacement, but I chose to forego the test. I didn't want to be disappointed in my "progress" and it's really not an exact science, predicting when you'll actually go into labor or not. Some are dilated and don't go into labor for weeks. Some aren't dilated and go into labor that night. I didn't want the disappointment or the encouragement. I knew I'd had a amount of contractions and was hoping they were working their magic, preparing my body for labor.

The baby's heartbeat was perfect, a little under 140 heartbeats per minute, and we headed back home.

That late morning and afternoon I could feel myself getting more and more uncomfortable and irritable. I knew my body was just moving closer to labor, but I didn't get my hopes up that labor was imminent.

As each day came and went, I'd find myself rooting for labor to begin in the morning, when I was well-rested. As each day went on, I'd almost beg my body to wait until I had gotten another good sleep before going into labor.

 On this particular afternoon, my contractions (from now on called rushes) picked up during Ian's nap time. I was feeling them regularly and remember thinking, "This may be it!" When Ian woke up, he was having a hard time deciding what he wanted to do, was frustrated, and kept going back and forth in his desires, wants, & needs. It was a particularly trying afternoon. At one point I got quite frustrated, and, being in pain and having rushes, that I became fairly stern. I almost felt a switch go off and the rushes stopped.

Jim made a wise decision to attend a financial meeting/presentation (loans adn  about an hour up the road and so Ian and I were solo for the evening.

That afternoon I made a huge pot of chili for dinner and then decided to make a batch of cookies when I would have been making dinner. Threw in some laundry, emptied the dishwasher, tidied the living room, refilled soap bottles, etc. I don't remember all of the things I did, but I now understand that I was nesting... FOR REAL.

Ian was so excited about the cookies. He's only had a few in his life and nothing beats it when they come straight out of the oven!!
We had a sweet evening of reading books, singing songs, and lots of hugs & kisses before we said goodnight. I returned to the kitchen to clean up and felt, again, like something was starting to happen. I decided that I should maybe sit down and let my body try to calm down. When sitting became uncomfortable I convinced myself that going to bed would really slow things down.

I got in bed and couldn't lie comfortably in any position. Once again, I felt the pain of back labor that I remembered so significantly from Ian's labor. I texted Jim that something might be starting and asked if the presentation was over and if he was on his way. Fortunately, they were on their way home. By the time he arrived home I was having contractions every five minutes, consistently. He had a few prescriptions he needed to submit for patients, so he ran down to his office for fifteen minutes.

I texted him from bed after about 15-20 minutes to say that nothing was changing. He immediately returned and got the heating sock that a friend gave me and threw it in the microwave. This was to become my best friend.

I went to the bathroom and decided that I should take one last shot of my pregnant belly... scary picture, I know, but I want to have it for the future. My belly was getting so, so low. No pants felt comfortable under it and as each contraction came on, I could feel the baby moving lower and lower.

Unable to lie in bed anymore, I sat on the yoga ball in the living room and turned on the Pandora app on our TV. Jim ran around packing his hospital bag and adding additional things to our bags, as we thought of them.

And then we turned our attention to deciding when we should go to the hospital, when we should contact Joi (our doula friend), when we should contact Barb (a friend who offered to sleep in our house while Ian slept), and when to contact my mom (who would be coming to stay with Ian while we were in the hospital).

We came to the conclusion that perhaps Jim should check my dilation (perks of having a husband in the medical field). He checked and said that he couldn't tell exactly how many centimeters I was, but that we needed to head in.

A few weeks prior the results were positive for my Group B Strep test, which meant that I would need to be on antibiotics at least four hours (two doses) ahead of our baby being born. The fact that labor is a difficult process to predict duration means that the OBs wanted me to come in when I knew I was in labor.

Barb arrived, Joi was going to meet us at the hospital, and Mom would get up early in the morning to come care for Ian. The car was loaded and we started out the door.

When I stood up to get off of the yoga ball, I could barely walk. It shocked me. This was really happening. I hobbled to the car and it was freezing outside. We forgot that warming up the car would have been a good idea, so we froze for almost the whole drive. Every light and stop hurt. I tried to stay in the zone and kept my eyes closed, breathing deeply through each rush. The only song I remember hearing on the radio was "Shake It Out" by Taylor Swift :)

We arrived and parked directly outside the hospital doors and walked to the front desk. I had a rush almost as soon as we got there, so I squatted at the desk while Jim checked us in. They showed us to the room and I immediately wanted to sit on the yoga ball in the room. That became my second best friend.

The nurses checked my dilation and I was 4 cm dilated, 75% effaced (I think that's what I remember...) . I was encouraged to be this far, but I was also pretty positive that the cold drive and transition to the hospital might have set me back a bit.

During Ian's birth, labor stalled twice and was really, really long. I had back labor for one of the whole nights. I was determined not to allow it to slow down this time. I wanted labor to progress and I was willing to do whatever it took to keep things moving, knowing that my energy would only start to wane otherwise. And, especially since I was going to be laboring all night... I wanted things to keep moving right along!!

Lying on my back in the bed, I noticed that the clock was hanging on the wall directly in front of the bed. I didn't want to focus on the time during pushing or labor, so I asked them to take the clock off of the wall.

Then they started asking me their bizillion check-in questions, which was frustrating. Many of these questions could have been asked prior to my check-in and when I had preregistered or even toured the hospital. A few times I was short with nurses who came in to ask me to sign different documents... "Does this have to be done right now?" or "Can this wait until after the baby is born?" The worst question was: in case there's ever an emergency, like an Amber Alert, can you sign off on us taking a DNA sample. Umm, are we really talking about Amber Alerts for my unborn child while I am supposed to be surrendering to the birth of said child!!!!! I may be writing a letter soon. One of the nurses we had at checkout even pleaded with me to write a letter.

In the midst of the questions I heard Jim welcome Joi into the room. It was such a comfort to have not one, but two people there with me. Immediately they started getting the heating pads moving in rotation to help with my back labor and and Joi started massaging my back and neck. Each rush would come and Joi showed Jim how to squeeze my hips/buttocks together to open up the front of my pelvis. They took turns doing this for every contraction and that felt amazing. If their hands weren't there, then the pain was excruciating. The questions kept coming, but the comforts of their hands and their words and reassuring eyes meant everything.

When the nurses finished monitoring the baby's heartbeat, which had to be done 15 minutes out of every hour, and asking questions, we made sure I was hydrated and ate a yogurt and some grapes.

I was thrilled when Dr. Hudgins walked into the room!! She was my first choice doctor, calm and collected, wise and steady. Recently I had told Jim that I hoped she was the one on-call.  Relief washed over me. She said that if my labor went longer than her night shift, it could be arranged that she stay to deliver our baby. This was really comforting to know that I wasn't on the clock to have the doctor I truly wanted to deliver our little one.

I was going to need to start a dosage of antibiotic soon, but Joi suggested that we walk the hallways for a few minutes until they were ready. I squatted and held a railing, walked, and stopped and held Jim's neck, burying my head into his chest on each rush. Joi squeezed my hips together.

We were summoned back to the room and I started my first dose of antibiotics after getting a really painful hep-lock put into my hand. We stayed on the yoga ball during the dose, since it was the most comfortable spot for me. The heating pads kept coming and Jim said it looked like they were burning my back, since my back was so red. I didn't notice and loved the sensation of the heat on my back. As soon as the dosage was done, we disconnected the IV and headed out to walk the hallways again.

Joi said that the walking/moving/squatting would help the baby move from its posterior position causing my back labor and I was up for anything that would relieve that. The constant pain was unbearable in any position. This is the pain I had during Ian's labor too... it was very familiar.

It was remarkable how much relief I would feel when the baby would move to an anterior position and then when the baby would move back it was unbearable again. Jim and Joi said my pace changed and I became a much faster walker when he was in the right position.

Then I think it was time for another fetal heart monitoring session. We moved back to the yoga ball and I was encouraged to snack. I remember feeling like I wouldn't be able to keep the granola bar down and Jim ran for a vomit bag. Fortunately, I never had to use it.

Fetal monitoring over, we moved to the bathroom. We cranked the water to as hot as it would go and I squatted in the tub while Jim directed the showerhead wand directly at my lower back. Apparently I kept insisting/asking for the middle of my back, but Jim and Joi said that I didn't actually have it directly in the middle of my back but more to the left.

We pulled the stopper so that the bath would fill up and surround my hips, too. It felt SO good. I never wanted to get out. I started rocking my hips forward and backward and Joi said, "Good, Käthe. You have good instincts." It was so nice to have encouragement like this.

I was still concerned that the labor was slowing and expressed this to Joi. Quickly she asked me why I thought that things were slowing and I responded that contractions were getting so far apart. "They are like 20 minutes apart!" To which she quickly retorted... "Käthe, they are no more than a minute apart, sometimes three minutes. You are in labor land! Your concept of time is skewed." Wow, I was so surprised!

At one point I started to worry that my rushes were slowing down and didn't want this to happen. I expressed this to Jim and Joi. One of my main love languages is words of affirmation and Joi gave us some privacy while Jim spoke some words of encouragement to me. This was really helpful!!!

At one point I remember Jim left the room to use the bathroom or get coffee for the two of them. I looked at Joi and she had her eyes closed and looked tired. It was probably like 4:30 AM or so, after all. I said, "I'm sorry, Joi. You look so tired!" To which she responded, "I'm not tired, I'm praying." And then she immediately stared praying out loud for me. It was so comforting.

It reminded me of all of the people who had encouraged me and prayed for me during this pregnancy. It wasn't just Jim, Joi and me in this... we had family & friends & women all around the world who were laboring at the exact same time as me. And I was designed for this. My body crafted for this. I was not alone and have the promise that I never will be.

Jim returned and I remember saying that I was starting to get too hot. I was sweating and overheating. Joi said that this is a good sign that I am in transition and things are getting closer. She got cold washcloths and put them on my forehead and on the back of my neck. They felt incredible.

Soon after Joi suggested that I sit on the toilet. Nervous because my labor stalled when I sat on the toilet during Ian's labor, I expressed this concern. Quickly she reminded me that this is a different baby and this is a different labor. I got out and sat on the toilet and it felt so nice. After a few minutes I felt my first desire to push.

I moved up to the bed and they checked my dilation; I was at 7 cm. This was encouraging to me!

They needed to check the fetal heart rate again and I stayed sitting on the bed, since I had just gotten checked. Every time I felt a contraction I would move up my knees and hands on the bed. They were having trouble reading the fetal heart rate due to my position and Dr. Hudgins said that we needed to get readings during two contractions. She continued to watch the monitor as each contraction came and went. Many contractions passed and the monitor just wasn't picking it up.

During this time they rolled in a couple of carts and some of the nurses were wearing hair nets and different scrubs. I remember watching Dr. Hudgin's stoic face carefully and then finally saying, "Are you prepping for surgery? Why is all of this stuff coming in?" Joi touched my leg with a comforting press of her palm, with a knowing smile she said, "This means that you are close!"

WOOHOO! These people are believing in me. It's really happening!

I asked if I should move to the yoga ball, where all of the other fetal monitoring had occurred and they agreed this would be helpful. Once we got a few good readings during the contractions, I felt the urge to push and climbed back up on the bed.

Dr. Hudgins came back in and checked me and said that I was 10 cm and had a bit of a lip, but that she was okay with me pushing. Woo!! She also said that there was a bulge from my water bag and that when that popped, then she said we would have our baby within the next 20 or 30 minutes because his head was so close.

They made the bed into a 90 degree angle and I knelt facing the wall, with my hands braced on the vertical back of the bed. I felt like the baby was moving further and further down with each push and rush. And I felt that with each rush I was able to bring the baby lower my moaning or channeling my sound to be lower. I could immediately feel that I was ineffective if my sounds were high-pitched. It was really neat to feel so in-tune with my body and the baby at this point.

After one or two rushes, my water broke all over the bed behind me. What a great feeling that was! Proof that things were really moving along AND that the birth was imminent. Dr. Hudgins had said 20-30 minutes?! I've got this. I was made for this.

I was also really amazed by the natural breaks that were allowed during this time. I felt like there was a lot of time between each rush, which surprised and almost alarmed me, but also gave me time to rest and relax before the next push. This was something that I didn't have during Ian's birth, since I needed to be on Pitocin (and without an epidural) after 30 hours of my water having broken and contractions just racked my body.

The pushing phase, though incredibly difficult, is my favorite part of labor. It's the first time that I feel like I know exactly what needs to be done. The pushing urge can be satisfied.

They said that the head was right there and that I should wait until I could be fully supported to push. Dr. Hudgins asked Jim if he would like to catch our baby and he readily stepped up to the plate! Then she asked him what sized gloves he wears. When I heard this I shouted something like, "There's no time!! This baby is coming!!!"

Dr. Hudgins suggested I turn over on my back so that I wouldn't tear and she could support me best. I shouted that I needed someone to turn me over, if that was to happen. Before I knew it, Joi had flipped me over onto my back on her own. I have no idea how she did this with all 184 lbs of my pregnant body!!

Once flipped, I pushed almost immediately and his head came out. Jim grabbed his shoulders and pulled them out with the next contraction while Dr. Hudgins supported my perineum. And out whooshed our baby, straight into papa's arms!!! Joi and Dr. Hudgins each told me later that I pushed less than 10 times and our baby arrived!!! It's just amazing to me. It is absolutely incredible to feel a human being be born from your body into the world. An absolute miracle.

With some suction, our darling baby cried almost right away!! Filled with relief and immediate endorphins, I asked Jim if our baby was a boy or a girl!! His response was, "It's a boy! Ian's a big brother!"

Quickly he was placed upon my chest for snuggles and warmth. He started nursing quickly and the rest is history!! Jim cut the cord after it stopped pulsing.

Once the placenta was delivered, I needed three stitches. The endorphins and the high have lasted for more than a week. Giving birth is an incredibly powerful and amazing experience.

We are completely and utterly smitten with our second-born. He's handsome, cuddly, calm, alert, and sleeps a whole lot (for now). He has beautiful blue eyes and medium-brown hair. His fingers are long and his feet are thin and slender.
It took us a day to decide on his name and we love it. We've had this name since the summer we got married and we chose Ian's name on the very same bike ride. This name holds a great deal of significance for our families.

Owen David

8 lbs. 12.8 oz., 21.75 inches

February 10, 2016 at 6:11 AM

Head Circumference 13.5 inches

I am forever grateful to my wonderful birth team for helping me have this completely natural experience. Jim was the ultimate support; I could not have asked for a better and more supportive husband. Joi was wonderful in her counsel during each step of the way. It meant so much to have her there as a friend, as an experienced mama, and as a knowledgeable doula. Dr. Hudgins truly wanted me to have the birth we desired and was wonderful.

Joi with us

Jim ended up doing the measurements for out little one, as well. The nurse was someone Jim had worked with on another floor during his cardiology rotation and he really enjoyed working with her. It was kind of neat to be in the hospital where he works and is recognized by some of the nurses and staff.

A few of our friends, who also work in the hospital, stopped by to visit during their work day or before they headed home. It was really nice.




Ian & Äma came to visit us twice every day we were in the hospital. We stayed two nights after he was born. Baby Owen "gave" Ian a family of horses, one to represent each family member. As soon as Ian came into the hospital room, he came up on the bed to cuddle with me. Jim was holding Owen on the other side of the room. We let him open his gift from Owen and then he was very busy handing each horse to the family member it represented. He was fairly indifferent to Owen's presence, not overly interested and not overly upset.

First family of four picture!!

Jim napping with each of his boys :)

Sharing his horses

Always my firstborn. Always my baby. Gosh, I love this kid.

Because I had Group B Strept, it is hospital protocol to keep the patients in the hospital for 48 hours of monitoring of vitals. Although we were desperate to get home, we stuck it out.

Friday morning finally came and we were so happy to go home!!

Since Owen was born Ian has held him a handful of times and he seems to really understand that baby needs to eat and sleep and we need to respect that. We've had family here non-stop, with my Mom here until Sunday, Jim off for a snow day on Monday, and then his parents arrived and his mom is staying until Saturday. This has been wonderful because there has always been someone around to play with Ian and help him with the transition, but it's also allowed me to have time with Ian while someone else cuddles Owen. It's been a huge blessing. Right now I am listening to the sweet banter of Kim and Ian playing outside of my door. So very grateful.

I love Owen's expression in this photo. "Alright folks, let's go home!!"

Happy to be home, Owen cuddled nicely into his co-sleeper.

More than one week after giving birth now, I can say that recovery has been very fast. I'm hardly in any pain and I have been so grateful to our family for helping me to get as much sleep and rest as possible while they are here. Owen and I nap every day during Ian's nap. This is something I certainly plan to keep up after our family leaves. Owen sleeps pretty well at night. I am not keeping track of how often we wake up (that might make me crazy and more tired!), but I wake up feeling rested. Then the nap in the afternoon also helps!

Well, that's a wrap, folks. This will be edited a few times, I'm sure, as I remember details that were left out. But I am so glad to have this written while my memory of it is so strong. What a redemptive and fulfilling and enriching and refining experience. 

Sweet Owen David, we are so very glad you are here.

Introducing Owen David!!

Meet the newest darling member of our family...

"Hello World!! My name is Owen David Barlow. Owen means powerful warrior, noble, & well-born and David means beloved & friend. I am named Owen after my maternal great grandad and great uncle. It's the name of my first maternal ancestor to arrive in America from Wales. I share David as a middle name with my papa and my great paternal uncle. I am certainly a beloved son."

Owen David

8 lbs. 12.8 oz., 21.75 inches

February 10, 2016 at 6:11 AM

Head Circumference 13.5 inches

I am currently working on his birth story and it's almost done!! His birth was one of redemption for me and a truly humbling experience and blessing. I'm in awe of the whole birth process and am so grateful that we were able to have a fully natural birth. The birth and recovery were remarkable.

The birth team consisted of Jim (my wonderful husband and support), Joi (our dear friend and doula), & Dr. Hudgins (my favorite OB in the practice who just happened to be on call that night)!!

This birth was so different from my first in so many ways. I promise not to leave you hanging, if you're actually interested in the birth story... it's coming!!

Oh Sweet Owen, 

One week ago today we welcomed you into our lives. It's unbelievable to me that a week of knowing you has already come and gone. Every moment I still marvel at the opportunity to be your mama. I am so humbled by your complete trust. From the very first minutes after you entered the world, you responded to the sound of my voice. Turning your head to find the source of my voice, you melted my heart. You knew me and my heart knew you.

It feels like you have always been with us. Your presence completes our family. You were with us for this last nine months of pregnancy, of course, but you had a place in our hearts and family long before the positive pregnancy test. Our hearts were made to love you; this was clear from the minute we held you for the first time, heard your cry, and saw your darling body. 

You are currently sleeping on my chest as I type this. Tears stream down my face as my heart burns with love, joy, and adoration for you. Every once in a while your dreaming face breaks into a smile and I am desperate to know what you are thinking. One day you'll express it to me just like Ian does now.

You like to find your fingers to suck on. You love to snuggle on our chests. You sleep and sleep and sleep. You eat and soil your diapers just like you should. The lactation consultant gave both of us an A plus because you are nursing so well and have gained weight that's almost unheard of! On Sunday you weighed 8 lbs 12.1 oz, even though we had been discharged from the hospital on Friday with 8 lbs 8 oz (newborns typically lose weight and then take a little while to get back to their birth weights- not our Owen David).

Yesterday we had your newborn appointment with the pediatrician and she said that you looked perfect! Your weight was 9 lbs which puts you in the 82.84th percentile!!! Woo!! Your height was 99.58th percentile!  Your head circumference is 13.75, which comes in at the 46.99th percentile (this surprised me because Ian was about the same and his percentile was much higher. I'll have to check the numbers). Your weight to length comparison chart (BMI) has him in the 2.56th percentile. You are tall and lean :)

I love watching your Papa hold you. His eyes are filled with such joy. His arms strong, he seems capable of protecting you from anything in this world. He's a great papa. You are going to learn so much from him. Ian adores him and I know you will too.

We savor every moment with Ian and we savored his infancy, but I am so aware of how fast the time goes by and that these sweet cuddles don't last forever. I'm not taking one snuggle session for granted. You bring so much light, joy, and warmth into our lives, little one.

We love you to the moon and back. And we love kissing the crown on the top of your head, as one of our favorite children's books reads.

Love,
Mama (Papa, & Ian)

Birth Story

Ian Forrester’s Birth Story

I flipped the calendar to September and found Ian’s face staring back at me. The face of a baby two days old - my favorite picture - and then one of me holding him. Below were the basic details of his size, the day, the time. My stomach tightened as I realized that September means that a year has passed. My baby will soon no longer be a baby. This full, dynamic, sleepless, and wonderful year is coming to a close and I have yet to write the birth story.

I’ve documented his first smile, roll, step, and just about everything else, but I haven’t actually written out his entrance into this world. It feels like just yesterday. I remember so much, and yet I’m worried that I have already forgotten so many things. Fortunately, our friend Stacy visited us in the hospital on Ian’s second day of life and was gracious enough to bullet and outline the entire story while I told it to another friend.

So, here is the story of Ian’s birth. Mostly from memory but certainly assisted by the outline. Today it feels like this is the right way to spend Ian’s nap time; celebrating one year ago and cherishing the gift we have been given.

Our baby was due on September 17, 2013. We didn’t know the gender of our child before he was born, so up to the moment of birth we’ll refer to him as “baby.” Since it was our first child, we were incredibly excited but had been warned that the firstborn often comes late. As soon as we entered September, all we could think about was the fact that our baby could come any day and at any time. We tried to think about his birthdate being at the end of September, or even in the beginning of October, but the due date kept ringing in our minds... September 17th.

At 1:30 AM on the due date, September 17th, I woke up and felt that my undies were a bit wet. I wasn’t sure if it could have been broken membranes or dribbles from baby’s mass effect on my bladder, so I went to the bathroom. There I wiped and noticed a pinkish clear discharge. I went to consult Jim and ask him what he thought I should do and he immediately responded that I should call the midwives.

Uncertain that this was really labor or my broken water, I changed my undies and went back to sleep. At about 2:15 I felt a minor contraction and then felt water uncontrollably leak out of me and wet my new pair of undies. Okay, I thought. I definitely didn’t pee my pants before... this is it!

I called the practice and was put through to Mattie, the midwife on call, who was the one I had seen most frequently throughout my pregnancy. Since I had tested positive for Group B Strep, she told me that I should come into the hospital to get antibiotics. The antibiotics need to be in your system at least four hours before the baby is born. She told us to take our time, I should take a shower, eat a good, big breakfast, and then come into the hospital.

Oh boy!! I woke Jim up and he was excited and quickly asked what things we needed to do to be completely ready. He took Mattie’s words about the big breakfast to heart and after gathering a couple of the things we had on the “last-minute list,” he started making pancakes, scrambled eggs, and fruit. I hopped in the shower while he was cooking and remember really trying to be calm and enjoy my shower, but also felt ecstatic that the day was here!

I had wanted to labor at home for as long as possible before going into the hospital, but the Group B Strep combined with my water breaking so early made this impossible. All of my labor would have to be spent in the hospital. I knew that this was something I could dwell on, or something I could just let go and so I tried to do the latter.

After dropping Leif off upstairs with our landlord and friend, Diana, we grabbed our bags and hopped in the car around 3:30 AM. Since the contractions were mild, we chatted the whole way to the hospital. It was weird being on the road so early, before anyone else was awake. There was a pea soup thick fog which made driving a bit more exciting than we might have wished. As we were getting on I-81, a huge oppossum bolted across the road and there was no way for Jim to avoid it. He made a comment about the circle of life and we both had a little chuckle. What could we do?

We arrived at the hospital around 4 AM and were checked into Room 1110. Our first nurse was named Christy and she told us that she’d need to check to make sure my water had, in fact, broken. Otherwise we’d probably be sent back home. She tried to check on my undies, but it was inconclusive. She said we would need to wait for Mattie to come by. Jim and I decided that we would try to get some sleep in the meantime, since nothing was really happening and I was very comfortable. It was a bit anticlimactic.

We did sleep and then Mattie came by around 5:30 AM, checked and determined that my water had been broken and that I was about 1 centimeter dilated. I did not want to be checked many times during labor, having heard it could be discouraging to learn the dilation was so little or not progressing as quickly as expected or desired. But we decided it would be good to have a baseline and so she checked me. 1 centimeter... not quite what we were hoping!

Since my water had broken, Mattie explained that they would like baby to be born within twenty-four hours of when it started; any longer increased chances of infection to an unnecessary degree. She said that 85-90% of women have their babies within 12 hours of their water breaking. She gave us options of waiting, taking cytotec to thin the cervix, or taking pitocin. I wanted to deliver as naturally as possible for the benefits for the baby as well as for me and so we decided to wait and see what happened within the 12 hours and then we’d reconvene. 

Jim and I walked and walked. We walked and then walked more. We even walked out of the hospital and did laps around the outside of the hospital. Nothing was changing.

The clock in our room was broken, so I am unsure of the exact timeline throughout the rest of this birth story. We finally took the clock off of the wall, since it did us no good.

I had to be on the IV drip to receive antibiotics for about a half hour every four hours, so we would time our walks so that we could get back for the antibiotics.

Kris, the next midwife on duty, came and talked with us around 1:30, 12 hours after the water broke, and we decided to wait and reconvene around 3 PM. At that point we would take the cytotec to thin the cervix, if things had not progressed.

We walked more. Our doula, Shalene, who had been checking in with us through texts came and met us and walked around the hospital with us.

With no changes at 3 PM, Kris made the orders for me to receive cytotec. Around 5 PM they gave me cytotec and then I had a big lasagna dinner.

Around 8 PM contractions really started to pick up!! Shalene suggested that I go and get in the shower to assist with the pain. Jim held the sprayer right on my back, since I had horrible back labor pains, and it felt so good. We stayed there for a couple of hours. Contractions were getting to about 2-3 minutes apart. 

We used the coping technique we learned in our childbirth class - to moan through the contractions. It really helped to have Jim moaning with me. In the pain it was tempting to allow my sounds to go high and hold all of the pain and tension up, but we learned that it was important to make low sounds that would move everything down my body. Jim’s low groan was helpful in calming me down and helping me to feel like I was not alone or crazy.

Somewhere around 10:30ish, I had just received my next round of the antibiotic, and the contractions were still 2-3 minutes apart. Shalene suggested that I take a bath so that my body wouldn’t get too tired from standing... I would need my energy later. I switched to the bath and around 11 PM my contractions just completely slowed down altogether.

The midwife came in and suggested that I walk around, but it didn’t really get things moving again. Contractions were maybe about 5 minutes apart. She checked and I was dilated 3-4 cm. This was discouraging to me, but she was pleased and said it was good progress. At this point I was so tired and I asked if I could try to sleep.

However, sleep was pretty impossible because the contractions were still about five minutes apart and far too strong to sleep through. My back labor was intense and throbbing all night long. Lying down hurt. Shalene and Jim massaged my hands and feet and back, and placed a warmth compress on my back.

Every once in a while I’d get up and go to the bathroom, since they were also trying to keep me well-hydrated. Jim went to the bathroom with me each time. One of the times I distinctly remember saying to him, perhaps we should just do pitocin or a c-section if it came to that. I was just so tired. 

Around 2 PM he asked if he could lie down and sleep for a bit. He told me later that he could barely walk back from the bathroom he was so tired. He needed the rest, too.

Shalene stayed up with me for the next few hours. She massaged my back, kept the hot compresses warm and steady on my back, as well. A few times I’d glance over at her when I was trying to sleep and I’d find her praying for me and watching me. She was pregnant, too, so it amazed me how present she could be for me throughout the night.

Around 5 AM on Wednesday, September 18th, Kris came back in to check-in with me. She hoped that I had been able to rest a bit, but wanted to get things moving again. She discussed my options once more. After examining me she explained that my water had still not been totally broken because the pressure of baby, who had settled into my pelvis, was blocking it off, partially.

She suggested that I try a new position and put me on my belly, with one leg bent and placed upon four or five pillows. After some time contractions really started picking up again! I continued moaning through the contractions and Jim moaned with me. At one point he was right in my face, offering water and cheering me on. I politely asked him to either brush his teeth or get a piece of gum. 

Considering how nervous I was that I might be mean or snappy during labor, I think that this was super nice! But, looking back and in talking with Jim... I’m sure my breath was horrible after a whole night of contractions and munching on trail mix (Sorry, Jim! Thanks for responding so well!).

Contractions moved to 2-3 minutes apart and I remember Kris saying that Mattie was coming on and she was getting off of her shift. She introduced me, though I couldn’t see her through my pain and position, to the nurse, Casey, who was her favorite nurse and said that she would be a great asset to our birth. I also remember hearing Mattie’s voice say “hi” and then suggest that perhaps I move to sit on the toilet.

Grateful for a new position, I moved from the bed to the bathroom and the toilet, stopping along the way for my contractions. Sitting on the toilet felt AMAZING. Unfortunately, though, it stopped my contractions for a second time. Mattie later said that she has never before had a laboring woman’s contractions stop when they sat on a toilet; normally it encourages labor to progress further!

Mattie asked if there were any mental struggles I was having about labor or having a baby that might be preventing things from progressing. Other than the feeling of actually having to go number two, I couldn’t think of anything. I was certainly struggling to submit to the pain, though. The back labor pain was just excruciating.

A bit defeated, I was ready to accept Mattie’s suggestion to start pitocin and finish “popping” the bag of waters, since his head seemed to be blocking the bag from freely emptying. It was 7:30ish AM and they had let me go to 30 hours after my water broke, though they had wanted our  baby to be born within 24 hours. At this point I was only about 5 centimeters.

The pitocin was started after they monitored the baby for a while and tit ook some time to take effect. Pretty soon the contractions came on VERY strong. 

It was then that the massage therapist decided to come. I’m sure she gives a really good massage, but my contractions were far too painful to make it at all enjoyable or comforting!

I tried sitting on the birthing ball, the birthing stool, down on my hands and knees... any position to be more comfortable, but also to move things along. Since my waters had been fully broken, water came out with each contraction, leaving puddles on the floor around me.

The contractions were so painful and so fast in coming and I was so tired that I remember suggesting that I should have an epidural, or even a c-section. I was so done. Everyone in the room just continued to watch me and encourage me to wait a bit longer.

At one point I vividly remember Jim sitting next to me, the midwife, the nurse, and our doula sitting in chairs in front of me, watching. With each contraction so painful and strong, I felt that the time was coming, but I was a bit confused and frustrated by the fact that no one was getting anything ready!!

I finally asked, “What are we waiting for? Shouldn’t we be prepping things?!”

Everyone smiled and laughed and said, “We’re waiting until your body wants to push!!”

These people obviously know what they are doing because only a few minutes went by before I definitely felt the sensation and urge to start pushing. It was almost a relief to have a new sensation other than the pulsing contractions in my back and throughout my uterus.

They quickly set-up the bed as if it were stairs and checked my dilation. Approximately 6-7 centimeters. WHATTT?! Mattie found this to be encouraging, but I was a bit frustrated. I felt like pushing!! 

Within minutes (it seemed) she checked again and I was a “stretchy 9 centimeters.” She said that it would be okay for me to start pushing because my cervix was ready and the baby’s head coming down would stretch me to 10 centimeters.

Around 10:30 AM I really felt like pushing and was given the okay. Mattie asked Jim if he would like to deliver the baby, since he was in his fourth year of medical school and had already caught a couple of babies. He moved from my right knee down to receive the baby with Mattie. Casey went to retrieve another nurse and brought back one of our favorites, Wenona, from earlier in our stay. Wenona held my right leg, Casey my left, and our doula grabbed the camera (something which I’ve been oh-so-grateful for now!). Mattie sat at Jim’s side. I felt like the baby was imminent.

They told me to keep my palms up, shoulders back and down, and to keep my moaning low. All of these things would help to keep my body relaxed and able to do what needed to be done. Our bodies are amazing... truly.

The contractions were so strong that I was not able to vocalize during them. They told me I could bear down whenever I was ready and to hold my breath as I was doing it.

They started to talk about how the head was right there, but with each push it would retreat back up again. This is how it’s supposed to happen, but it feels like it should just continue moving forward!!

Someone suggested setting up the mirror so that I could see the baby. I only left it there for a few contraction because, to me, it didn’t seem like he was really “right there.” Now I understand what they mean, but at the time it seemed a bit too early to use the mirror.

They told me to put my hand down and feel his head. I did and could not believe how soft and mushy the top of the head was! It was fuzzy... I felt baby hair!!

With his head moving down, I really started to feel like he was on his way out. But with each contraction they would tell me, “He’s right there... his head is 1/4 of the way out!” Umm. Only 1/4!!!??? “Now he’s half of the way out!”

One time I exasperatedly said something like, “That’s it?” And Wenona responded that as soon as the head is free, the rest will follow quickly! Even though I was aware of this prior to labor, the reminder was absolutely necessary right then. It gave me the drive and the will to keep going... we really were SO close! My baby was almost with us!! How exciting and beautiful!!

Every time I pushed, my head went light from holding my breath, but it also felt good, in a really odd way. Where the baby was didn’t feel as good. Let’s be honest.

Mattie instructed Jim in all of the things he needed to do, where to put his hands, etc. He was so grateful to her for her guidance and trust throughout this time.

I was gaining motivation and drive because they were all encouraging me and talking about how close the baby was and I could tell that he was almost there. Truly incredible and wonderful, though unbelievable difficult and hard.

Just as Wenona said, as soon as his head cleared, the rest of his body slid straight out! I will never forget the feeling of him slipping out. Amazing.

Jim caught our baby as it came into this world!! Jim lifted him up to bring him to my chest and the baby landed low on my hip because his feet were still inside of me! Our baby was much longer than Mattie or Jim were expecting as they pulled him out! After a second try, our baby was delivered up to me.

We had agreed that Jim would be the one to announce our baby’s gender. I took him from Jim by placing my hand behind his neck and down in his groin area, and immediately learned on my own that our baby was a boy!! I said, “It’s a boy!!” And announced his name to everyone in the room.

Ian Forrester Barlow was very alert from the very beginning. He peed on me almost immediately and was crying. But it was the sweetest cry we’d ever heard. Jim came up and sat next to us, one arm on each of us. I will never forget the beam on his face. The warmth and the love in his eyes. Our first time together as a family. 

Within five minutes Ian was breastfeeding!! The nurses later coined him as the marathon nurser. Jim cut the cord after it had stopped pulsing and they tugged on the cord and the placenta came quickly out.

I could not believe how HUGE the placenta was. Oh my goodness. 

Ian continued nursing, skin to skin, for about an hour. I had two minor tears and Mattie sewed me up as we were breastfeeding. The entire time, Ian was looking around and alert, staring into our eyes. 

How strange it must be to be out of the womb, and yet he seemed to feel so content in our arms. I don’t remember him crying once, just sleeping and nursing, and looking around.

After the hour, they took him for measurements and tests. His details were as follows:

Ian Forrester Barlow

Born September 18, 2013 at 11:45 AM

8 lbs. 14 oz., 21.5 inches

APGARS 8 & 9

We were surprised by what a big baby he was, since Jim and I were both mid-range 7 pound babies. Based on how hungry I was all through pregnancy, though, it made sense! ;)

After 34 hours of labor, you would think that I would be desperate for sleep, but I couldn’t possibly sleep. I was no longer tired. I was elated to have our baby with us and in my arms, nursing away. He continued to nurse for about three hours after he was born.

I was amused when a nurse told me I could continue eating as normal, since no one had mentioned it before and I had never stopped eating! Well, I didn’t eat breakfast the morning he was born, but other than that I hadn’t missed a meal!

We ordered pizza and called all of our immediate family members to tell them the news. We spent the rest of the day gazing at our precious boy. I didn’t sleep until about 10 PM that night, when I forced myself to close my eyes and rest.

Although labor was not completely natural, as hoped, it was wonderfully empowering, personal, and humbling. Needing medication to induce the labor was out of my hands, because of Group B Strep and my water breaking so early.  However, no pain medications were given to me, as we had planned. A doula friend said later, “You had pitocin and no epidural? That’s really, really hard!” Yes, it certainly was. I think my body was in shock from it for weeks, if not months afterward, but I am still glad we did it that way. It was humbling to join the motherhood ranks of so many moms who have gone before and done the same thing in fields, cars, homes, you name it.

The fact that Jim got to deliver Ian was something we hadn’t even considered or imagined possible. What a gift and an amazing experience for us to have together. 

Shortly after Ian was born, our midwife said that this was one of the most beautiful births she’d been apart of and the nurses agreed with her. Wow. So touched.

The team in pictures:

Mama

Papa

Casey: Nurse

Wenona: Nurse, Lactation Consultant

Shalene: Doula... No picture, since she was the photographer (I'm so sorry!!!)

Mattie: Midwife

Ian Forrester Barlow has changed our lives so deeply from the minute we found out we were pregnant, but it was the depth of love that we found for him the moment he was in our arms that knocked us off our feet. Being a parent has been the most amazing experience yet.

September 17th and 18th mark the most significant time in our lives so far. The days when we labored, pushed, caught, nursed, and held our firstborn for the very first time.

Today Ian had me read one of our favorite books over and over again. I couldn’t help but cling to the last line each time I read it:

“You are my angel, my darling, my star, and my love will find you wherever you are.”

• Wherever You Are My Love Will Find You, by Nancy Tillman

As I finished it each time, I’d turn and kiss his cheek. One time I asked if he could give me a kiss and he turned and planted a sloppy, wet, airy raspberry on my cheek for the very first, purposeful time. Lately my stomach has been clenched in preparation for Ian’s first birthday, with sadness that his infancy is coming to an end. This moment today was a full, sweetly-timed reminder that there is so much more to come. He will always be our baby, our firstborn, our darling. And our love will always be with him. Always.

We love you, Ian Forrester!