Sick & Maple Leaves

This weekend I came down with one of those sicknesses that's just debilitating. Swallowing anything is pure torture; my throat is so painful. Nights have been riddled with feverish chills and overheating and then shivers again. And, Owen had the very same thing. He's woken up every hour for the last few nights.

Throughout my time as a mother, I have only been sick a handful of times. After this weekend, I am again reminded how hard it is to be a mama and to be sick. It's much easier to run around like a busy bee, snuggling on the couch, wiping snotty noses, and get the boys what's needed for them to feel better. It's a totally different thing when they still need you and you have very little to give.

It just so happened to be the most gorgeous October weekend, with the peak changing of the leaves, here in Southwest Virginia, and I missed a dear friend's baby shower (that I planned), and a few fall festivals. What can you do?

Fortunately, the beautiful maple tree in our backyard showed it's beautiful colors and reminded me of the blessings right here, right now. Lying on the swing each of the sick days, staring up at those gorgeously yellow and orange leaves, made even the worst hurt subside for a few minutes.

Mother's Day

I am so grateful for the many beautiful mothers I've grown to know in my lifetime.

My own mama, especially. Her extraordinary love and intelligence, not to mention devotion to her children and grandchildren, leave me astounded and amazed so often. Now that I am a mother myself I often wonder how she managed to do everything she did. I'm convinced that she has super powers. It's the only possible explanation.

My compassionate mother-in-law, who has welcomed me so seamlessly into her family. I don't know how she does it, but she makes me feel just like one of her fold.

And this woman who is now in heaven, whom we'll celebrate this coming weekend. All of her children and grandchildren, but one out of the country, will be making the trip. I cannot wait to see everyone and share stories.

I continue to be blessed by the village of women who I get to walk this journey with daily (some, but certainly not all, of these women are in the photo below). So many wonderful mothers and women surround me here in this small town and so many support and encourage me from afar.

But, it's these little cherubs who have made me a mama. Who push me to my limit and then push me a little farther. Who have taught me the depth of a mother's love. A love that never ceases to stretch me just a bit more and offer joy and rewards far greater than I could have ever imagined. 

One of my friends posted this yesterday, as part of a much longer post, and I thought it was so, SO eloquent and true. Jessica said, "When you are a mother or long to be one or find yourself nurturing another life in any capacity, you have opened your heart to great joy and great pain. That is truly courageous."

This love is a courageous journey that takes heart, strength, tears, and laughter. It's an adventure far superior to any I could have ever dreamed. Being a mother makes me desperate for a break or sleep, at times, but it's often overshadowed by a desperate desire to witness everything and wipe away tears and see their smiles, too.

As another friend said, these days are numbered. My arms and my chest will only comfort them sufficiently for so long. My voice will only sing them to sleep for so long. I don't want to miss a thing.

They are too precious to me. And it won't be like this for long. 

The love that they show for one another melts us daily. Owen's biggest smiles are reserved for Ian and Ian's most gentle touches are reserved for Owen. My mama's heart could burst.

 I just love my little boy cuddles. With my first born...

 And my second born...

 And our whole family...

Being a mama is the hardest, most rewarding thing I've ever done. I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Thanks for making me a mama, Boys! I'll love you forever.

"Good Night, Sweet Dreams, I Love You"

My family always said the words above before going to bed. In that order. It's a tradition.

I've been saying it to Ian each night, too. Tonight I added one more sentence while hugging him. See the exchange below.

Me: I love you so much, Ian.
Ian: I lob (love) you too much, Mama.

Swoon.

This whole parenthood thing is pretty amazing.

Follow Your Gut

I have to share the latest development that has me SO VERY THRILLED!!

Much of my parenting journey has been a struggle between following my mama's instinct and wanting to know and do what's best for my child, based on research. Ugh! It was a battle to find the balance. In the second year, I was much better about only following my gut rather than asking for advice and searching for articles every time I wanted guidance.

I can already tell that I will be much more relaxed for the second child. I truly believe that you have to do what works best for YOUR child and YOUR family. That's all that matters.

Well, we certainly took the route of survival when it came to nursing and sleeping and raising Ian. During his pregnancy we were determined not to co-sleep and then immediately chose to co-sleep on the night we brought him home from the hospital. We never turned back. We had to in order to survive. That's what Ian wanted and needed. And, in the end, it's been a really beautiful journey.

We nursed until he started really slowing down and it became a bit too painful and much during this pregnancy. The last time he nursed was during his 22nd month. That was much longer than I ever expected we would.

Co-sleeping and breastfeeding have been truly incredible adventures.

Due to the fact that we co-sleep, I had been lying down with Ian until he fell asleep for both naptimes and bedtimes. We'd read books, sing songs, and then lie next to each other until he fell asleep and I would leave the room.

In the last two weeks, I found a new pattern and routine that's worked for us. He loves to say, "I'll be right back, Mama" and then leaves and returns.  Or, he doesn't mind it if I say it and come back. He even repeated it the whole time I was at the beach... "Mama be right back." He feels secure in that we will always return for him and that's a wonderful thing. A fantastic bond that's been built.

Well, I have started telling him that I will be back to check on him after he falls asleep. We read books, sing songs, and then hug and kiss before I leave the room. He has fallen to sleep for naps and nights for a week now, comfortable and secure in the fact that he is safe in his own bed and without his mama.

This has given me so much extra time in the evenings and more freedom in the afternoons. It's given him independence and an ability to fall asleep, securely loved, but on his own. I am so glad that we waited and did this at his own speed, even though it was certainly challenging and exhausting at times. He's able to come to us if he needs to, but he doesn't choose to.

This weekend we were at my parents' house and he needed me to return to the room once or twice more each night, but this was only for extra hugs and kisses. Extra reassurance in a place other than our home. It was a need and it was met. He then felt secure and fell asleep.

Every child is different. This is what Ian needed. He is a truly active and busy child by day, sits very still for book after book, loves hugs and kisses, and by night, he loves cuddling.

Our next step will be trying to move him back into his own bed at night. He moved back into our bed during the first trimester of this pregnancy because he would wake once in the night, and that was too much for me. Now he sleeps through the night in our bed, but soon there will be another baby waking often. It will be best for all of us if he's in his own bed and rested (we think!). But the most recent accomplishment of falling asleep on his own, happily and contently, is huge and wonderful.

My fervent prayer is that I will be able to show our next child the same love and security, but in the strategies that work best for him/her. It will be a whole new ball game and I am trying to go into it with an open mind. We may or may not co-sleep and who knows how long our breastfeeding journey will be, but one thing's for sure... I'm going to cut myself more slack and know that eventually he or she will reach the same security that Ian has (even though sometimes it seemed like it would never come!).

New Mamas,

Follow your gut, 

lose the guilt, 

and love your child and yourself the best you can. 

Do what's best for your family.

The end.

One of the VERY few occasions Ian fell asleep on his own  (and not in the carseat/stroller) before this past week.
He was sick and obviously needed some rest.

Mom Brain

It's a real thing.

Sometimes my brain just does not function correctly. I've heard many people call it "Mom Brain" and I think it's aptly named. I didn't suffer from it quiet as much before I got pregnant, but it certainly started when I did.

One time, while pregnant, I was trying to steam vegetables and I never added the water. Yup. So, I melted the steamer to the pot. That smelled grand and was a joy to clean up ;)

Another time I left the grocery store, put the cart away in a cart lot, and got all of the way home before I realized the diaper bag, purse included, was still in the cart. Fortunately, it was still there and untouched.

Yesterday I had a similar moment.

As I mentioned in a previous post, we went on a hike to The Cascades. I was feverishly trying to pack and get everything ready that we needed, while simultaneously getting Ian ready and making sure we had different outfits for different weather possibilities.

Jim asked that we drop his car off at the hospital, since he'd biked that morning and was on call that evening. So, we had to drive two separate cars at the start of our journey. I hopped into the Focus and was partway out of our driveway before realizing that I didn't have my cell phone. I thought it must be in either the Passat (our other car) or in the house. And left it at that.

It wasn't in the Passat when I switched into it at the hospital and I planned to search the house upon returning home. When we got home it wasn't there either. I searched everywhere and was completely baffled. All day I racked my brain.

That evening while nursing Ian to sleep I realized and could picture exactly where it was. I had put it on the roof of the Passat with my keys. Oh no. Gulp. I was trapped while Ian was nursing, watching the light start to fade as evening settled in.

As soon as his head hit the mattress I grabbed my stuff, left Ian home with our friend Amanda, and hopped in the car. It was going to be a fruitless endeavor, of this I was sure. Either I was going to find the phone crushed on or beside the road or I would just never find it.

I drove fairly slowly, scanning as much of the road as I could. I got all of the way to the intersection where you get on the local highway and thought, "Why not?" I turned and started heading up the ramp and fortunately no one was behind me. I scanned the road and the shoulder the whole way. Then, just as I had to merge onto the highway I saw it. My smartphone was on the shoulder and lying face up.

I pulled off and found it working, showing the missed calls and texts of the day when I pressed the button. No scratches or cracks other than one little one on the camera glass, but it doesn't affect the use of the camera. YESSS!! It's unbelievable and insane.

We would have been out $200+ because our phone company has us buy the phone outright, without any insurance, making the monthly fees really, really reasonable. But I was fearing the gouge that would have to come out of our pocket. Whew.

Mom Brain has put me in a few pickles or made things inconvenient before, but this was not one of those times! What a relief. So, Mom Brain, it's a real thing.

It's a blessing often, allowing us to forget some hard things and remember moments like this.

That evening we played in the yard before Ian went to bed and his giggles were just contagious. This may be one of my favorite photos of us ever. Thanks, Amanda, for taking this and the videos of that night! What a great memory.

Somehow 18 months have passed by and my mush mom brain just cannot fathom it. The days can be long but I seriously feel like my head will forever be in September of 2013, when Ian was born. I lived through this past winter, but I still cannot believe that it's March. It should be almost Christmas. That's Mom Brain.

I promise it's real.

If you call and I don't answer one day, hopefully my phone won't be on the side of the road. But now you know it might be a possibility. Sheesh.

The Unexpected

For the first time in my life, I feel known by the people at our grocery store. This may sound funny, but I don't think I've ever, in my memory, consistently been to the same store and been "known" or recognized by the cashiers and attendants. I certainly haven't ever had this in my adult life.

When we moved in June, I started going to the same store down the street every. single. time. With a baby, I think it's hard to sneak out without having some sort of a conversation with the employees. This happens everywhere. BUT, our little grocery store down the street has people who are truly friendly, interested, and genuine. And they remember Ian each time, wanting to say hi to him and talk to him about his eyes, his strawberry hair, or the weather.

I love this. It makes me want to go back. We have a few cashiers who are often there during the morning when we go. I actually even try to get into Patty's lane because she loves to see Ian and her bagger is normally a very sweet older lady.

Today, we didn't make it to the grocery store until late afternoon. Our usual people weren't there and we were harried, trying to make it home to fix dinner before the landslide of the bedtime routine enveloped us.

I scanned the cashiers and saw a familiar face. It was none other than one of my old middle school students. He was a member of my first class when I taught sixth grade English. He is now about a foot taller and somewhat slimmer, but certainly recognizable. He happened to be one of the hardest-working, brightest students from that first year. I can still picture where he sat, his smile and laugh when I was a goof, the roll of his eyes when he wasn't thrilled, and even his handwriting. Isn't it amazing the things that stick with us teachers long after we've both moved on to new grades and different jobs?

Obviously I chose his lane. I'd seen him only one other time, but not before all of my items were already on the conveyer belt. As soon as we started talking it was obvious that he wasn't in middle school anymore. He was more confident and mature.

I commented that it had been a while since I'd seen him and he said, "Yes, it's been five years!" Wow. Umm. Yes, how did that happen? He asked if I'd heard some unfortunate news about another teacher from my team (which I hadn't heard) and then one of my favorite colleagues from that time walked up from behind and gave me a hug. I hadn't seen her in months. He commented, "This is like a reunion or something." After saying goodbye to the other teacher, I asked what grade he's in and he said, "Sophomore." Before I had a chance to say anything he said,  "You did well, I'm taking DE (Dual Enrollment) English next year."

Then he asked about what I have been doing and I told him that I am currently a mom. To this he replied, "Wow, that must be really hard."

Two things have left me a bit amused and baffled since the conversation we had:

1. As he pointed out, five years ago I was his English teacher but he attributed his success in making it into a DE course next year to me. While it's flattering, I know that he already had great skills and ability and a very supportive mother. I'm not the reason he's in DE; he was already on that track.
2. When I told him that I am now staying at home and being a mama, his reply was genuine and thoughtful. He wasn't saying, "Wow, that must be really hard" sarcastically or teasing at all. His face was serious and kind. 

I introduced him to Ian and said something to Ian about how I hoped he'd grow up to be like _______ one day. My student smiled. We said goodbye and see you again soon.

When I got into the car, I couldn't help but think... How many sophomore high school students would respond this way? How many would cringe at the sight of their old teacher? It may seem silly, but I don't often have interactions with people who knew me as a teacher anymore. Here I was in my grocery store, known by someone who spent 90 minutes, every day for a year in my class. He believed my teaching from five years before got him to where he is now in school. That teaching position was the hardest paid job I ever had, but he thought being at home with my son must be "really" hard. Fascinating.

It was an unexpected encounter, but it was the thoughtfulness that was certainly not something I was prepared for in my frazzled, late afternoon state today. Kindness can be found in the most surprising places and circumstances. My student taught me something today.

Space

Constant motion and banter. Begging and whining paired with reminders to simply ask for "Help please" through his only way of communication: sign language.

Swap group cancelled and untimely naps. No respite, though desperately needed. Soggy, dreary day outside. Tension and exhaustion within. Weight and tears preparing the way.

I look to the door to find a soaked, but compassionate husband outside. The weary, hungry, rain-drenched biker returns and without a blink sends me off after seeing the need.

The rain runs down the windows as I sit here in the parking lot. Alone and quiet, except for the pit and patter of water on the glass. It's cleansing the car, but also this mama's soul.

Laughter and sharing deeply with a great friend. Pouring joy and life back into my emptied coffers.

There aren't many days when I feel this way. Desperate for space. But today was certainly one. And, of course, after a few minutes away, I was desperate to be back with him, hearing his laughter, and observing what he was doing.

Today (yesterday now) I'm filled with gratitude. It is so, so rare for Jim to get time off early. I'm still in disbelief that this afternoon happened. Thank you, Hon.

The Mama Perspective

The more I mother, the more I learn that perspective is key.

"I have to" can creep into my mind's tape, when really I can be saying "I get to."

There are times when I fall into the trap of self-pity. I have changed so many diapers. My sleep is interrupted. My showers are rushed. My books are unfinished. My dinners are thrown together to the soundtrack of fun playing, cuddling in the carrier, serving as a quick-order chef to an infant, or to crying because it's just that time of the day. And my brain doesn't function or remember things quite like it used to because... well, I'll just blame it on "Mom brain"/tiredness. It's life these days.

Each of these things can be taken as a negative or they can be celebrated and taken as positives.

I get to comfort another human being completely, by just being present and being me.
I get to change his diapers and make them a time when we play games and talk.
I get to monitor and develop a healthy menu for him daily.
I get to ensure his safety, while also encouraging his freedom to explore and experiment.
I get to watch him explore a blade of grass or the shadows on the wall.
I get to see him fascinated by each page of a book.
I get to introduce him to new words, things, and places every day.

REALLY?! That is my job description.
Where can I sign? I'm in!!

There have been a few times when I have just been desperate for my own time. With Jim's schedule, these don't happen very often. But those very few times I am away from him make me absolutely desperate to get back to him. I don't want to miss a thing. He's too amazing. I'm too crazy about him.

One hour away has been my limit (in my own head... sometimes it's had to be longer). And then I come rushing back, needing to kiss and cuddle and play. The best part is that he needs me too. It's obvious by his giggle, the light in his eyes, and the speed at which he moves toward me and then wraps me up in his arms.

This whole mama thing is pretty great. Awesome. Amazing!

But I tell you what... perspective is certainly everything. We wouldn't be human if some of these things didn't knock us down occasionally.

Water Spigot

We had been waiting months to take the photos below!

Here is a photo of me with the water pump at about one year old.

Blue shirt & overalls.

Here is a photo of Ian at 10 months on a much less sunny and more chilly day.

Blue shirt & overalls.

I love that I can share this place with him.

Cook Forest State Park

A Good Rain Storm

Today was one of those days; I needed a good cry. A good, freeing cry. Afterward I was able to feel more joy and contentedness while playing with Ian and freedom from burdens I'd put on myself.

And now, as soon as he drifted off into a deep sleep in my arms and was carefully placed to sleep on his own, the thunder boomed and the rain came. He's still deeply sleeping. My heart deeply grateful for the rain. Hydration for the thirsty. Saturation for the desert.

I just love a good rain storm. 

And, for that matter, a good cry.

(Thank you to the LLL leader who talked me through my burdened heart!!)

Life's a Blur!

Since my last weekly post, so much has happened in our lives and in Ian's development.

We came back to Lebanon, PA to visit with Jim's parents for a few days after the memorial service in New York. Grammee took off some time to be with us for a day and read Ian lots of books! Ian has started to enjoy interacting with books that have flaps to lift up and peek behind. In this picture there's an animal on each page and when you pull down the flap, you discover the sound that the animal makes.

To stay cool, we went to a few parks and enjoyed the shade. We also got to see Carla, Jim's aunt, and Alex and Logan, his cousins. (Congratulations to Alex, who recently graduated from high school and is now heading to University of Pittsburgh in Johnstown!!).

Ian, Alex, & Jim

Logan, Carla, and Ian

Aunt Carla & Ian

Ian has decided that sticks make great teethers!! Here he is munching on one at Long Park, where John & Kim had their wedding reception.

Thank you for meeting us there, Carla!! It was great to see you and the boys. Hope to see Sam next time! A few uninvited guests also made an appearance at the end of our visit. Ian crawled around after the mallards for a while, never quite catching up to them.

As we were departing Lebanon, we ran across this pair of Canada Geese and their goslings.

Since leaving Lebanon, life has been a blur. Well, it already was... but you know what I mean. Life got super busy with packing, last-minute projects, completing final residency requirements, moving to a new home, baby-proofing our disheveled packing home and analyzing how to baby-proof our new place, and trying to keep up with Ian's many new skills and abilities. 

There are many more pictures of Ian as a blur now that he's moving SO quickly.

Most importantly, we have been trying to do all of those things while still savoring Ian's infanthood and Jim's time off. Boy, does this little boy LOVE his papa. He cannot get enough playing time with him. They wrestle, they roll, they crawl, they flip, they do whatever comes into Papa's head... well, or Ian's, too.

Ian has started cuddling more, showing his affection more readily. He does this by leaning in close or, occasionally, coming in for an open-mouthed kiss. The open-mouthed kiss is new and so sweet. When it's not your child, it's not very pleasant... but it's very sweet coming from Ian! He shows his affection readily to me and Jim, but it does take some time to warm up to new people. After a few hours, he's willing to excitedly "talk" with other friends and family and to crawl around the floor, play with toys, or read books.

Someone's getting tired...

Ian shows he's tired by rubbing his eyes, frowning &whimpering a bit, and then crawling toward his mama. The final step is precious to me. Another honest picture here to show that he's not always so happy. There normally is a reason for his discontentment and once we figure it out, he's quickly back to being our happy boy. Over the past few months we have really been able to predict and identify his wants and needs much better than before.

There's the frown.

And because we need to have some honest pictures... here's a snotty-nosed one of our sweet boy. He was not feeling well again with a bad cough, so I took him into the doctor. As we suspected, they put him on a nebulizer to help with his breathing. After two days he was much better and after five days he was completely off of it. We were grateful to be done!! He'd cooperate so well and sit with me while the machine was going, listening to me sing and talk and read to him. That was not the problem. The problem was that he'd turn into the energizer bunny in the evening, especially, and wouldn't go to sleep! Part of the reason might have been for the crazy, stressful packing frenzy of his parents, but the doctors say that it's a side-effect of the nebulizer.

Selfie!

During these weeks Ian started crawling, as seen in a short previous post. It didn't take him long to figure out how to move more quickly to his next destination.

He also started climbing stairs! Only a few at first, and then it was four and then seven. In the beginning he'd show his excited desire to start climbing the stairs but would end up crying, as if he was forcing himself to do it against his will. (NOW we can't stop the boy... he LOVES stairs!)

Those curls!

The fact that he never stops moving or exploring also means that he gets himself into lots of pickles. If there's a nook or cranny, then he's in it! Every day he gets more daring and every day he's more adept at getting himself out of these close spots. Crannies include under the bed, under the table, behind sofas, over folding chair bars, under coffee tables... and more. This is such a fun age, let me tell you!


He's figured out that he needs to duck his head low below the furniture or obstacles above him in order to make it through unscathed. It's amazing how quickly he figured that out, in order to protect his head!!

Jim and I try very hard not to save him from some of these tight spots. We try to let him work his way out by himself, allowing some frustration. It normally means that when he does get out, he is PROUD! Sometimes we do need to go to his rescue, but he's normally able to figure it out. We have to quench the desire to "save" and "respond" immediately, allowing him to problem-solve. The result is that he's pretty independent, resilient, and beaming from his latest endeavor.

One of his favorite things to do before the move was to push the stroller around. We'd keep it just inside the door and he started using it as his walker. On one occasion Jim was sitting and reading and noticed the stroller going by out of the corner of his eye. At first he thought nothing of it, but then he had to do a double take... Ian was walking the stroller, as if pushing his own baby, across the floor in front of him. When he saw his papa watching, he smiled proudly and kept on his way. I love picturing this.

He also enjoys pushing the ottoman, the wooden play gym, and small, light coffee tables around the room as his walkers. He's quite good at steering them where he'd like to go, turning, and getting out of tight places.

Ian's also started playing peek-a-boo under and over the furniture! What a fun game. He played it a lot with Gramee in Lebanon around their coffee table.

His tactile ability is getting better and better, too. He can pick him almost anything... something that made moving more and more difficult.

Since everything needed to be packed, Ian ended up getting pretty creative with his toys while moving. Boxes were, of course, one of his favorites. They were everywhere. And those flaps proved to be quite interesting! He'd play with ropes, stroller tires, tape rolls, Fage containers, ratchet straps, you name it. He also started flipping things to watch them spin, especially baskets and recycling containers.

The word "Mama" certainly means Mama, now. Nevermind that it normally comes when he's tired, hurt, or uncertain about new people, but it means Mama. And I've never been called anything sweeter. I love it.

FOOOD! He's eating almost anything and everything these days. We don't feed him anything with salt, nuts, honey, or dairy, but other than that it's free game! We still are careful about trying to give him only one new food at a time, but it's getting easier because he's tried so many things by now. It's still somewhat difficult for him to get tiny pieces of food to his mouth, so he resorts to putting his head straight down on the tray of his high chair or it ends up in his lap. We do feed him some things by hand or by spoon, breaking some of the rules of baby-led weaning.

Here are a few of him eating couscous. It's everywhere...

Leif continues to be very popular, but second to Papa.

Since it's summertime and we are outside a lot, Ian has been drinking more water than before. It's important to stay hydrated. He loves to drink out of his water cups or from my Camelbak water bottle.

For a break during the packing, we took Ian to the pool. What a great way to relax and enjoy time with him! He loves, loves, loves it. This contraption gave us some piece of mind, too. He enjoyed watching the fountains in the big pool and swimming and laughing with us in the therapy pool. Then, we treated ourselves to Sweet Frog for a nice, cool frozen yogurt. Ian enjoyed sampling some of our fresh mango pieces.

Here are some pictures from our last day on the farm. What a beautiful place it was to welcome our little guy into the world. This view will always hold a special place in my heart. 

See, anything can be a toy!!

During this time Ian also learned how to stand up without pulling up on something. Instead, now he can also push against things to stand up!

Ripped little guy. He's on a tough regimen. He's his own fitness guru.

Happy 37, 38, & 39 weeks, Ian Forrester!!!

Thank you for keeping us grounded and sane during our busy weeks.

You remind us daily to appreciate the little things and to laugh at ourselves...

So much can happen in three weeks.

Sorry for the delay! Some of these things have happened more recently and some earlier, 

but at least they are documented! :)